A Simple Insultory Philippic (Or How I Was Howard Lincoln'd Into Submission)
To the tune of "A Simple Desultory Philippic (Or How I Was Robert McNamara'd Into Submission)" by Simon and Garfunkel
New lyrics by Deanna "Marinerd" Rubin


I've been Mark Teixeira'ed, Juan Rivera'ed,
I've been Vlad Guerrerro'ed, then Pineiro'ed
I've been Grand Salami'ed weekly till I'm blind
I've been George Sherrilled, and imperiled
A columnist from the Everett Herald!
That's not the one you read? Well... nevermind.

I've been Robb Quinlanned, sent to Inland.
I've been Danny Harenned, John McLarenned.
Well, I've played every base I want to play
And I got platooned with Aaron Boone
And all of those splits won't buy me hits
So I take a swing (and then I pray).

I knew a man, who played some ball
He sure thinks that he knows it all
But not the same as you and me!
He's stuck back in history. He's so confused
That when you say "Richie"...
He thinks you're talking about Richie Ashburn!
Whoever he was.
The man ain't got no mojo.
But it's alright, Paul, everybody must get Rohned.

I been Nick Swishered, been silverfishered
Randy Johnson, won't you please come home?
I been pitchered, catchered, right and centered
Been Brad Pennyed and Chris Carpentered
I just discovered somebody nuked the Dome!

Play ball.

I've lost my lineup card, Grover...