"Gee, Umpire Buckley!" to the tune of "Gee, Officer Krupke!" from West Side Story From "Northwest Side Story", a subsidiary of Mariners! the Musical by Deanna Rubin (ROOKIES Jeremy Reed, Mike Morse, Jose Lopez, Chris Snelling, and Miguel Olivo are standing around bitching about Jim Buckley, a particularly nasty umpire who keeps giving the rookies a tough time. Some of the veteran players wander by to make fun of them...) MORSE God, I hate that guy. I swear, of all the umpires, he's the most blind. REED Seriously. Did you see that ridiculous strike three he called on me the other day? MORSE Yeah, and that error on me? Geez. MOYER You rookies have no idea how good you have it... why, when I was your age, they didn't even have this fancy-schmancy equipment to keep those umps in line. MORSE Still... It's one thing to strike out, it's another thing to strike out because some stupid goddamn ump makes a bad call. (Eddie Guardado picks up a catcher's mask and takes an imposing stance behind home plate. He points at Mike Morse.) GUARDADO, IMITATING BUCKLEY Hey you! MORSE Who me, Umpire Buckley? GUARDADO, IMITATING BUCKLEY Yeah you, gimme one good reason for not throwin' ya outta the game right here, ya punk! MORSE (singing): Deeeeeeeear kind umpire Buckley Ya gotta understand It's just the calling upley That gets all out of hand Our gear is up at Safeco Our soul's in Triple A Golly, Grover, wherefore should I play? ROOKIES Gee, Umpire Buckley We're very confused We never had the chance to play on teams that don't lose. We ain't no star players, We're just rookie guys Deep in the outfield we shag flies. MORSE We shag flies! ROOKIES We shag flies, we shag flies, Falling from the skies, 'Till our legs collapse we all shag flies! GUARDADO, IMITATING BUCKLEY (talking:) Aw gee, that's a touching good story. MORSE Lemme tell it to the world! GUARDADO, IMITATING BUCKLEY Just tell it to the press. (He points at Ron Villone, who is holding a clipboard and a pen.) MORSE (singing:) Deeeeeeear kindly guy from KOMO, The system makes me retch. You see replays in slo-mo, It's clear I made the catch! They charged me with an error I swear I didn't make! Bleepin' bloopers, can't I get a break? VILLONE, IMITATING PRESS Right! Umpire Buckley, You're really a slug! This boy don't need the press, He needs a chat and a hug. Take more drills at fielding, No need for alarm; He's got to just work on his arm. MORSE On my arm? ROOKIES On your arm, on your arm Not your poise or charm. Or they'll send us all down to the farm! VILLONE, IMITATING PRESS (talking:) Attention, members of the press. I do declare that this guy's through on account he ain't got a normal arm. MORSE Hey, I'm through on account I can't throw! VILLONE, IMITATING PRESS So take him to a fielding coach. You! BORDERS Who me? (Pat Borders stands there looking bored with a first-baseman's glove.) MORSE (singing:) Sooooo Beltre throws to Sexson And Sexson throws to me Sometimes I throw to Lopez Or to the outfield three I've got no problem aiming When practicing with Spiez; But when it's game time, suddenly I freeze! BORDERS, IMITATING FIELDING COACH Yes, umpire Buckley He shouldn't be here This boy will pick it up as he moves through his career. He's got decent arm strength, It's just his control And playing deep back in the hole. MORSE In the hole! ROOKIES In the hole, in the hole Where the grounders roll Yes, the shortstop has to learn the hole! BORDERS, IMITATING FIELDING COACH (talking:) In my opinion, this boy does not need field coaching at all. His mental issues are all linked to his lack of patience at the plate. MORSE Yeah, I can't hit for shit! BORDERS, IMITATING FIELDING COACH So take him to a batting coach! (Raul Ibanez gets out a bunch of bats and hands one to Mike Morse, who leans on it and sings:) MORSE Dear kindly Mister Baylor I've never slumped like this I'm swearing like a sailor Each time I swing and miss I lunge for outside fastballs And pitches in the dirt Stupid strikeouts make my av'rage hurt! IBANEZ, AS HITTING COACH Eek, umpire Buckley, Here's one more you've blown. This boy don't need no coaching, Just a consistent zone! It ain't just a question of misjudging balls Deep down the problem is your calls! MORSE It's HIS calls! ROOKIES It's your calls, it's your calls All those strikes are balls! Yes, the trouble's got to be your calls! GUARDADO: Oh? The trouble is his swinging BORDERS: The trouble is his pace VILLONE: The trouble is his singing IBANEZ: The trouble's his on-base VILLONE: The trouble is his throwing BORDERS: The trouble's what he's thrown ROOKIES: Buckley, we've got troubles of our own! Umpire Buckley, we're down on our spikes MORSE 'Cause no one wants to see a fella called out on strikes ROOKIES Well, umpire Buckley, What are we to do? Gee umpire Buckley-- Buck you!